I just wanted to let all my friends out there know that, so far, my on-line dating adventure has not scored for me. I did have an offer to appear on The Bachelor TV show though, and wanted to share my experience. For those who don’t mind sitting in the hair and makeup room at 5:00 a.m., it might be just right for you. As I’ve previously mentioned, hygiene is very important to me and I expect good grooming in others but even more so in myself. Would you believe that they wanted to powder my snout and rough up my ridge to give me what they considered a more fashionable punk style?
There were six lovely lady dogs on stage from which I was to choose. They didn’t give us much time to converse, so I had to decide based on grooming, breeding and which one gave more rise to my hackles. Ultimately, I flipped a coin to decide if it would be head or tail. The producers were somewhat perturbed when I bounded out of script and gave the lady I selected a CANIDAE dog treat instead of the usual corny, thorny rose. She very graciously and not so genteelly jumped up and grabbed for it immediately. Who knows, maybe this time I would get lucky! We made arrangements to meet and have dinner the following evening at a very fine establishment.
Since the place was somewhat formal, I arrived dressed in a top hat and, of course, my tail(s). The barking lot was full so I had to use the valet for my Range Rover but I wanted to get there early to have an opportunity to discuss whether red or white “whine” would go best with our CANIDAE and Chateaubriand. The sommelier patted me on the head and said he would take care of everything.
A few moments later, Poochilla Presley walked into the restaurant and all heads turned as her lovely nostrils flared seeking me out. There she was wearing a beautiful fur coat. Relax now…her fur was a fake. Yes, I said Presley, a distant member of the litter that produced the singer of my favorite song “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hounddog.” As we sat gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, they started to play “Puppy Love” and she suggested we dance. I had to beg off though, explaining that I was sorry but I had four left feet.
We chatted and found we shared several commonalities. Our favorite movies are Turner and Hooch, Reservoir Dogs and Dog Day Afternoon. We both love to watch TV, with Doggie Houser and Starsky and Pooch among our favorites. We also both enjoy Tailor Swift and Snoop Dog, and we both hate hot dogs. She didn’t have much of an interest in sports, but her ears did perk up when I told her I always rooted for the UCLA Bruins. When she thought that the team had been named after me, I didn’t exactly lie but I did fail to correct her assumption.
When she excused herself briefly to go powder her snout, I reached into my collar and retrieved my cash to pay the check. I only left a 15% gratuity, however, because we had to ask that our water bowl be refilled several times and they should have noticed when it was empty.
Since we were enjoying our conversation, we didn’t finish our meal and both wound up leaving the restaurant with doggie bags. We parted company with me promising to howl in the next few days and her giving me a very sweet lick on the neck. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other again.
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