Bruin Picks the Flicks...Good Movies for Dogs!

Photo credit: an iconoclast

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I was sitting in front of the fireplace in my hound’s tooth smoking jacket the other evening, enjoying a salty dog cocktail.

The book I was reading had already been read so many times that the pages were all dog-eared. Rather than continue drinking and possibly then require some hair of the dog,  I picked up a copy of the Las Vegas Canine Enspirer to see if there were any movies I might be interested in seeing.

It suddenly occurred to me that with the passing of both Mr. Siskel and Mr. Ebert, movie fans were on their own. No longer was there anyone suggesting or catiquing films.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs, and I really didn’t feel like venturing out. I thought, why not pass the time by coming up with a list of good movies for dogs. I could call it “Bruin Picks the Flicks.”

My rating system:
   

A real tail wagger

Pretty doggone good

Plot needs rescuing

Not much of a tail


Below is a list of some movies I have seen over the years.  If you have a bone of contention with any I have either included or excluded, or perhaps you think I am barking up the wrong tree, please do let me know.

West Side Story starring Natalie Woof: Two gangs try to mark each others’ territory.

Lord of the Fleas starring Mutt Damon: Frontline battle with Mutt having the Advantage over a miniscule army.

World War D starring Brad Pitbull: Zombies attack civilization with one bite causing extreme intestinal distress requiring the use of Pupto Bismol.

Hairy Potter starring Spaniel Radcliffe: Puppy attends Obedience School to learn the art of Wizardry.

My Left Paw starring Spaniel Day Lewis: Cocker overcomes challenges of birth disability.

The Dogfather starring Al Poochino, James Cairn and Marlon Borzoi: A litter of Italian Greyhounds and their leader obtain control over the mafia.

Gooddoggies starring Pawbert DeNiro, Joe Poochie and Shar Pei Liotta:Angry group of mutts struggle to rise to the top of pack.

Bone with the Wind starring Bark Gable: Hurricane causes bone to blow away on a southern plantation, with Scarlett and Rhett in hot pursuit.

Lassie Gets Lucky starring Collie Berry: A coming of age romance.

Hound of Music starring Julie Andchews: Von Schnauzer family gets new governess to attend to their litter.

In Heat starring Sandra Bulldog: The misadventures of two members of a K-9 troop.

The Lining starring Jack Russell Nicolson: Blankets start disappearing from a haunted kennel.

Legally Blonde starring Fleas Witherspoon: Yellow Lab has run-in with police because they don’t recognize her even though her name is on her collar.

Doghouse Down starring Jamie Foxx Terrier: Secret Service dog protects President of AKC.

Johnny Belinda starring Jane Weimaraner: A deaf and mute girl is attacked by a wild animal.

Jingo Unchained starring Litterado Di Caprio and Jamie Foxx Terrier: Puppy escapes his restraints and broadens his horizons.

On the Waterfront starring Eva Marie St. Bernard and Dog Steiger: Finnish Spitz gets into a fight with Jerry Springer Spaniel for control of the waterfront union.

Anna Nicole Tops It Off starring Collie Golightly: A Flat Coated Retriever hooks up with an older stud in hopes of getting implants.

Tarzan starring Rex Barker: A swinger meets his Great Jane.

Corgi and Bassenji starring Dorothy Dandi Dinmont and Sidney Pointer:  Prowling the alleys of Catfish Row in search of Paula Deen’s recipe.

And since I have very eclectic taste:

Phone Booth starring Colin Feral: An Irish Wolfhound gets cornered in a phone booth by an attractive cougar.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof starring Whiz Taylor and Pawl Newman: Voluptuous female tries to entice handsome Jaguar by proving she’s the cat’s meow.

Copycat starring Saluki Weaver: An agoraphobic writer on a short leash is stalked by a series’ stealer.

Not that I’m a publicity hound or anything, but if you’ve discovered anything of value here, look for my pupcoming attractions on book and music reviews.

Love and licks,
Bruin

Still Looking for Love, Bruin Appears on The Bachelor

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I just wanted to let all my friends out there know that, so far, my on-line dating adventure has not scored for me.  I did have an offer to appear on The Bachelor TV show though, and wanted to share my experience.  For those who don’t mind sitting in the hair and makeup room at 5:00 a.m., it might be just right for you.  As I’ve previously mentioned, hygiene is very important to me and I expect good grooming in others but even more so in myself.  Would you believe that they wanted to powder my snout and rough up my ridge to give me what they considered a more fashionable punk style?

There were six lovely lady dogs on stage from which I was to choose.  They didn’t give us much time to converse, so I had to decide based on grooming, breeding and which one gave more rise to my hackles.  Ultimately, I flipped a coin to decide if it would be head or tail.  The producers were somewhat perturbed when I bounded out of script and gave the lady I selected a CANIDAE dog treat instead of the usual corny, thorny rose.  She very graciously and not so genteelly jumped up and grabbed for it immediately.  Who knows, maybe this time I would get lucky!  We made arrangements to meet and have dinner the following evening at a very fine establishment.

Since the place was somewhat formal, I arrived dressed in a top hat and, of course, my tail(s).  The barking lot was full so I had to use the valet for my Range Rover but I wanted to get there early to have an opportunity to discuss whether red or white “whine” would go best with our CANIDAE and Chateaubriand.  The sommelier patted me on the head and said he would take care of everything.

A few moments later, Poochilla Presley walked into the restaurant and all heads turned as her lovely nostrils flared seeking me out.  There she was wearing a beautiful fur coat.  Relax now…her fur was a fake.  Yes, I said Presley, a distant member of the litter that produced the singer of my favorite song “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hounddog.” As we sat gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, they started to play “Puppy Love” and she suggested we dance.  I had to beg off though, explaining that I was sorry but I had four left feet.

We chatted and found we shared several commonalities. Our favorite movies are Turner and Hooch, Reservoir Dogs and Dog Day Afternoon.  We both love to watch TV, with Doggie Houser and Starsky and Pooch among our favorites.  We also both enjoy Tailor Swift and Snoop Dog, and we both hate hot dogs.  She didn’t have much of an interest in sports, but her ears did perk up when I told her I always rooted for the UCLA Bruins.  When she thought that the team had been named after me, I didn’t exactly lie but I did fail to correct her assumption.

When she excused herself briefly to go powder her snout, I reached into my collar and retrieved my cash to pay the check.  I only left a 15% gratuity, however, because we had to ask that our water bowl be refilled several times and they should have noticed when it was empty.

Since we were enjoying our conversation, we didn’t finish our meal and both wound up leaving the restaurant with doggie bags.  We parted company with me promising to howl in the next few days and her giving me a very sweet lick on the neck.  I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other again.

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Ready for Dating – Single Brown Dog Seeks “Alicia Keeshond”

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Thanks to CANIDAE natural pet food, I'm well on my way to achieving my weight loss goal.  I still have at least 10 more pounds to lose until I do justice to my speedo, but I have been thinking about entering the dating scene.  Since I'm currently unemployed, not attending classes, don't spend much time in religious facilities (rules, rules, rules, everybody has their rules) and don't like hanging out at bars, I thought perhaps on-line dating might be the answer.

I'm really not interested in the stud service sites since I have a three-date rule (see what I mean about everybody having rules – I guess I'm just as guilty).  Since I haven't been successful in finding a suitable site, I was thinking I might have to start one on my own.

Although I'm over 21 (in dog years), theoretically I should be able to do as I please.  My mom and dad tell me that as long as I live in their house I have to follow their rules (ack, there it is again – rules).  I think their concern is that I'll open myself up to meeting all kinds of bitches.

Right now I spend most of my free time lying by the pool and working on my tan. Since I have no lions to hunt, just the occasional kitty cat, I do enjoy the excitement (NOT!) of bird watching.  The kitty cats actually have the audacity to use "my place" as their litter box.  Believe me, my dad is not a happy camper when it's clean-up time.

Speaking of those annoying little rascals, I was thinking of naming my dating site, the CAT'S' MEOW.  I'm a little concerned about the name, because I wouldn't want to attract the wrong types.  While we're on the subject of type, I want you to know that I have very simple tastes.

The dog of my dreams doesn't have to sing like Cher Pei, Alicia Keeshond or Shirley Bassett Hound. She doesn't have to dance like Jennifer Greyhound (though I do like 4 longs legs that go way, way up) and she doesn't have to look like Collie Robinson-Peete. I'm really not into the Brittany Spaniel Spears personality, but almost anything else is fine.  I'm looking for someone extremely well-groomed, as hygiene is very important to me.

She should enjoy good food like CANIDAE Life Stages (Chinese and Italian doesn't do it for me, but a nice juicy steak is within the realm of possibility).  Working dogs are OK, but she should know that I'm unable to have pups so she has to be willing to adopt.  Obviously, I would not consider someone in her menopausal years as too “mature.”

If she prefers, I would not be averse to meeting in a public place such as a park where I could unleash my animal magnetism if the opportunity should arise.  Of course, it would have to be consensual.  I wouldn't mind meeting up with a gentle Afghan who would be welcome to wrap herself around me.  I know, I know; I said I have a three-date rule…but remember, some rules were made to be broken!

Love & Licks,
Bruin

Musings from Bark Twain, AKA a Big Dog Named Bruin

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Dear Fans:

For those of you who are not already aware, for the last 2½ months I have been on a diet.  My parents and my weight loss warden, Dr. Brooks, keep telling me I should not think of it as a diet but rather as a healthier way of eating.  I think they forget sometimes that though I display an inordinate amount of brain cells, I am, after all a dog and find that concept disconcerting and unreasonable.

I do remember vaguely back in the day when my family would ask if I’d like a “treat” and then turn around and give me a dog bone.  I felt like Hannibal Lector since only he would want to eat the bones of other dogs.  (Please don’t tell Mom and Dad because I’m not allowed to watch those kinds of things but when they leave the room, I “accidentally” roll over on the remote and change the channel.)

Dr. Brooks also suggested that I keep a food diary because little items seem to add up so quickly calorie-wise.  You’d think with all the examinations he’s given me, he would have noticed I don’t have any thumbs but thank goodness, at least I do have access to a computer.  My having to “watch my weight” bothers my Mom and Dad so much more than me because like so many others, they equate love with food. When I go in periodically to get weighed, they always hold their breath and advise me to only stand on one paw.

My much older (counting in dog years) two-legged siblings are actually quite jealous and insist they were never regarded with the same devotion afforded me.  They must think that cooking for me daily and serving my water chilled is not an entitlement.  The nerve of them to count the number of times I go to the vet and compare it to the number of times they were taken to the pediatrician! Not for publication is also the fact that my Mom carries around pictures of me and none of her children/grandchildren.

Everybody thinks they're being so original when they tell my folks they really should put a saddle on me and keep me in a stable. Speaking of everybody, my Dad who doesn’t like to go out much, now enjoys it because he considers me quite the chick magnet.  I’m not worried about the stability of my home though, because dogs chase cars all the time but they wouldn’t know what to do with it if they actually caught one.  That’s my good old Dad!

I know there isn’t one of you out there who has not tried every new weight loss measure that comes around on a monthly basis.  My last hope was the macaroni and cheese ex-lax one that had me parked in the backyard for nine hours straight.  Even though I’m extremely well-trained, I wasn’t able to obey the command to “sit” for at least four days.  Now, my four-legged friends, I am delighted to say I have found one that not only works, but actually tastes good.  Of course, I’m speaking about CANIDAE Platinum dog food.  As a devotee, I now walk around the house singing my new anthem “Oh CANIDAE, Oh CANIDAE.”

The glucosamine chondroitin in the CANIDAE really keeps me hopping, as well as the carrots that are now my “treats.” Not only have I lost 10 lbs. in just under three months, but I’ve also been able to throw away my glasses.  The greatest thing is that my pecs have stayed the same but my butt appears to be quite a bit smaller.  I’m hoping that when Colliewood comes calling, Al Poochino can play me and, perhaps, Kibble Shepherd can be his leading lady.  Al may think she’s a little long in the tooth at this point, but we all know the miracles of botox.

Since I’m not supposed to think about eating so much, you’d think that when I’m left at home my folks wouldn’t turn the TV to the Food Network.  I know they keep hoping they’ll come home and find that I’ve fixed a nice dinner for them, but watching all that stuff just makes me hungry.  Then again, if you don’t have thumbs, it’s difficult to turn a nice rib-eye.

Even though I love the taste of CANIDAE Platinum, my ultimate goal is to get my mind off of food and think of other things.  Perhaps next time you’d like to hear about my neutering experience.  Now that story is a real cut-up!

Love & Licks,
Bruin (the Stud low-cal muffin)

A Dog's Bucket List

By Keikei Cole, canine guest blogger

It's rough being a dog. We have to guard the home, keep the mailman and deliverymen on their toes, herd cats and pick up garbage. We wash windows, dig holes in the garden, exercise our hoomans, and try to keep them under control at all times. It's a hard job, but we do the best we can. On our down time, my furry siblings and I like to work on our bucket lists. Oh yes, we have lots of things we want to do, too! Here is my bucket list.

1. Visit the factory where they make all of those yummy CANIDAE TidNips™ and Snap-Bits™ dog treats. I'd like be the chief “taste inspector” to make sure each package is up to the company's strict standard of quality and freshness.

2. Learn how to herd sheep. The word around the water bowl is that sheep are easier to manage than a bunch of cats. When I learn how to do that intimidating “Border Collie stare,” felines will have new respect for me!

3. Be the lead dog on a sled dog team with no particular place to go.

4. Go on a real scavenger hunt and roll in everything I find. It would be fun to set up a hunt in some exotic location to experience the local flavors I can't find in my area.

5. Take my human on a cross country trip to find all of the dog friendly motels and wide open spaces where I can run as far as I want. Within reason, anyway – I wouldn't want to lose my human or my ride home.

6. Have a heart-to-heart talk with the mailman and delivery guy, to explain that when I bark, snarl or chase them, it's not personal, I'm just doing my job.

7. Have a daily supply of pillows, preferably with feathers, to entertain myself when I'm home alone. Humans have no idea how fun and relaxing it is to furiously shake a pillow until the feathers fly. It reminds me of falling snow. Besides, cleaning up the feathers is a good way for humans to get exercise, which they need to stay healthy in body and mind.

8. Sneak into a cat show, hide behind the curtain, and howl like a wolf.

9. Run alongside a herd of deer and pretend I'm starved. It's no fun being trapped behind a fence while they stand and stare at me. I feel like I'm in a zoo.

10. Roll around in all of the mud puddles I can find, right after my bath.

11. Go for a walk that lasts until I'm ready to stop. It would be fun to camp out for a night and see what makes all of those strange noises and scents I detect when I'm inside.

12. Have my own reality TV show so the world can see what I have to put up with on a daily basis. Humans can be extremely stubborn and difficult to train.

13. I want to have one day where my human lets me tell off, once and for all, the squirrel that hangs out on a tree branch over my pen, irritating me with his non-stop chattering. Squirrels can be so rude. He's the one invading my space, after all.

14. Do a comprehensive investigative report to find out how and where that other doggie in the mirror goes. Inquiring dogs want to know.

15. Hire my own personal masseuse who has warm hands and knowledge of proper tummy and ear scratching techniques.

16. Become a famous canine photographer, renowned for my photos of humans doing silly, crazy and cute things.

17. Attend a major league baseball game to chase balls that get into the outfield. I hope the TV cameras catch my good side. Note to self – remember to wear the green collar with name, address and phone number on it. Don't want to spend too long in doggie jail after I'm caught.

18. Crash a famous person's wedding. Swim in their pool, and when I get out, shake beside the cake. Then eat whipped cream, race around like Cujo, and jump up on the guests to say “Hi.”

19. Follow any interesting scent I want, no matter where it goes.

20. Audition for a movie role and do my best Lassie impression. Run up to someone, bark while bouncing up and down, turn and run two steps, stop, look back, bark again, take two more steps, stop, look back. Which means “Come quick, Timmy's in trouble again.”

What’s on your dog's bucket list?

Read more articles by Linda Cole

5 Ways I Want to Be More Like My Cats

By Julia Williams

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t see my cats basking in a sun puddle and think, “Why can’t I be a cat for just one day?” I would get caught up on my sleep, that’s for sure. I’d have zero stress because I would not stir all day long, except to follow that warm sun puddle when it moves. I wouldn’t worry about where my next meal is coming from or if it's going to taste good. Everything I could possibly need would be provided for me by my human servant. Which means, of course, that I wouldn’t have a care in the world…unless you count making sure the servant got out of bed when I said it was time for breakfast and not when the clock said.

Yes, my cats have a great life. And I admit … I am jealous! I want to experience catdom for myself because frankly, I don’t think my kitties appreciate just how good they have it! Being human, I know they have it good, and I want some of what they’re having. It seems only fair. But alas, all I can do is dream.

Here are 5 ways I want to be more like my cats:

1. Embrace every opportunity, even those that turn out differently than expected. 

Cats go with the flow, and they don’t get upset when things don’t happen the way they thought they would. They just adapt. Take Mickey, for example: he loves Cheetos, so I’ll share one with him occasionally. One day I left an open bag of Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos on the couch while I went to get something from the kitchen. Now, if you’ve ever had those, you know they have quite a “kick.” He didn’t know; he stole one out of the bag, and ate the whole thing! Sure, it wasn’t the mild, cheesy Cheeto he was expecting, but Mickey didn’t let a little Jalapeno spice keep him from enjoying his stolen snack. (He did, however, drink a lot of water afterwards!).

2. Enjoy the simple things life offers.

Cats have a unique ability to find joy in everything, no matter how mundane it might seem. If it moves, chase it. That feather’s not a real bird? No problem! If a paper bag magically appears on the floor, turn it into a mancat cave/tactile toy. A cardboard box or a wicker basket is an open invitation for a nap. Pens become projectiles, magazines become chew toys, and every little thing lying around becomes something fun to play with.

3. Eat every meal with unbridled enthusiasm.

To say that my kitties enjoy their FELIDAE cat food immensely would be quite an understatement. Mealtime here turns into a three-ring circus; as I’m dishing out the food into their bowls on the counter, I have to dodge cats trying to trip me, remove cats from the counter and ignore the ear-splitting chorus of meows. Every day, twice a day without fail, my cats act like it’s been weeks not hours since their last meal. And when the bowls hit the floor, they gobble up the food faster than competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi in a hotdog eating contest.

4. Be persistent!

Whoever coined the term “dogged determination” has obviously never experienced the tenacity of a cat. At the very least, we need a companion term to describe the relentless way a cat will pursue something he wants. Case in point: nothing deters Rocky from trying to steal food off my plate when I eat in the living room while watching TV. He laughs at my sharp “NO!” and scoffs at the squirt bottle and the whistle (plus, just try to blow a whistle while you’re eating). Short of placing him in a room with the door shut, nothing stops him from trying every trick in the book to snag some of my food.

5. Accept imperfections.

Cats just don’t give a lick about personal appearances, and they certainly don’t strive for perfection. Flaws, it would seem, are things to be celebrated! Cats don’t care when their fur is sticking straight up or matted, when a dingleberry is dangling from their behind or when they accidentally tumble off their cat tree. They just carry on, never once wavering from the belief that they are fabulous just the way they are.

These are just five traits my cats have that I admire. There are a gazillion more, because cats rule and humans drool. What are some of the ways you would be more like cats if you could?

Top photo by Simone Tagliaferri
Bottom photo Takashi Hososhima

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How to Tell if You're a Hopeless Pet Lover

By Linda Cole

I don't remember a time when I didn't have a pet around. Not even when I went to college. Yep, I snuck my kitten in to be my dorm roommate. I admit to being a hopeless pet lover; it’s a label I'm happy to wear since I can’t seem to get all of the dog and cat hair brushed off my clothes. When a pet has captured our heart, the only thing we can do is look for those telltale signs that show how hopeless of a pet lover we've become. Take this fun quiz to see just how hopeless!

1. The color coded pie chart you made for household expenses (red), entertainment (blue), food (yellow) and pet expenses (green)...
A. Has way more green on it than any other color.
B. Was eaten by the dog, who mistook it for homework.
C. Has become the cat's favorite place to sit since you canceled the newspaper to cut back on household expenses.

2. After you've met the new neighbors, you...
A. Can remember the names of their pets, but not the names of their kids.
B. Joke after they leave about their dog's fancy collar and coat while adjusting your dog's biker vest and Doggles.
C. Wonder if their pie chart looks like yours.

3. People know you have a dog just by looking inside your vehicle because...
A. All of the windows are “decorated” with nose prints and paw prints.
B. Chew toys, tennis balls, dog treats, leashes, water bowls and “dog doody pick up bags” litter the backseat.
C. You have to remove the blanket covering the passenger seat before allowing someone to sit there.

4. In the morning when you wake up, you don't mind that your pet is...
A. Draped over your head with their tail tickling your nose.
B. Sleeping where you started out the night before and you're now clinging to the side of the mattress.
C. Sitting on top of you staring (and you know she wants fed, even if it is just half past dawn).

5. You've learned to think outside the box to...
A. Position the garbage can so your pet hopefully can't get into it while you're at work.
B. Find decorative ways to cover up stains on the carpet or furniture.
C. Remove pet hair quickly from furniture when unexpected company shows up at your door.

6. You don't have any small children at home, but you still have...
A. A kiddie pool in your backyard for the dog to play in.
B. Baby gates attached to doors.
C. Childproof locks on your kitchen cabinets.

7. When you put your hand in your pocket, you find...
A. Your pet's favorite CANIDAE or FELIDAE treat.
B. A squeaky toy that's seen better days.
C. A cheap lint roller with pet hair, loose change or other items stuck on it.

8. After a fresh snow has fallen, you...
A. Shovel an area in the yard so your dog has a snow-free patch to stand where his feet won't get so cold.
B. Wrap your winter coat tighter around you and hop from foot to foot to keep your feet warm while your dog takes his sweet time finding the perfect spot to do his business.
C. Spend your time between watching a movie and mopping up paw prints on the kitchen floor.

9. You are entertaining dinner guests, and before serving you...
A. Check the ice cubes to make sure there’s no pet hair frozen in them.
B. Check to make sure the cat isn't lying in the middle of the table.
C. Stuff cloves in the pot roast to hide suspicious bite marks.

10. You write up a shopping list and...
A. Suddenly realize that your pet eats better than you do.
B. Decide that making a pie chart for expenses is way too complicated.
C. Know exactly where to find pet related stuff at the store, but have to search for yogurt.

11. Every year at Christmas time, you...
A. Accept the challenge of wrapping gifts without getting pet hair stuck to the tape.
B. Search the pet stores for the newest toys and clothes.
C. Dress your pet up for the family photo that goes with each Christmas card.

If you answered yes, been there done that, or gave any kind of an affirmative answer to all or most of the questions, then you are a hopeless pet owner. But not to worry – you have a lot of company! We don't need to take a quiz to know how important our pets are to us, and I have a feeling we wouldn't change a thing.

Top photo by Josh Henderson
Bottom photo by Jeffrey Beall

Read more articles by Linda Cole